Trust is such a big word...

All the wedding planning has brought me face to face with some things that are very difficult for me, mainly a lack of trust for significant others and fear about what is out of my control. I've been attempting to face and overcome these fears this week. Hopefully my experiences will help some of you and hopefully some of you will have some thoughts that help me. So here goes...

I'm a recovering control freak. I say recovering because I believe it's a lifelong process to give up my intense desire for control. If you know me at all this is not a revelation. I like to have control. I like to be in charge. Empowerment reduces anxiety. This isn't rocket science and I'm sure many of you understand. The more control you have over a situation, the less anxious you are. Some people are naturally not anxious. They can easily go with the flow and take things as they come without a worry or care. If you are one of those people, I envy you. I'm not sure if I was born with a natural bent towards anxiety or if I learned it. My guess is it's a combination of the two. Regardless, I'm pretty tightly wound. To alleviate my anxiety I plan ahead, make sure I have extra time for things, and make sure I know EVERYTHING I can. I try to relax and 'let go', but this is a very difficult task for me.(I'm open to suggestions on how to do that better)

"What does this have to do with trust?," you may ask. Everything if you ask me. I'm engaged to the love of my life. And I'm finding myself afraid for the future. Afraid that after we get married he will change. Afraid that there's something secret and hidden that won't come out until after the nuptials. Afraid that his priorities will change and I will no longer be one of them. My fears are not based on anything that he has ever done. My fears are clearly because of things I've experienced in the past. Things that I never want to experience again.

I realize that this has nothing to do with me trusting my fiance and everything to do with me. There are questions that I wanted answered but these answers are unknowable right now. I hate that! As I said earlier, I want to know everything. It calms my anxieties. I came to the conclusion yesterday that there was no way I would be able to have these questions answered before we get married. Ugh!

So clearly I'm stuck. I can't know the answers that I think I need to know. What can I possibly do? I began to realize more and more that this isn't about me trusting Larry. Larry is amazing and has done nothing to warrant any of my fears. In fact he's done everything to prove to me that there's nothing for me to be afraid of with him.

If all this is true then the answer has to be outside of me trusting Larry. And it absolutely is. My fears are about me trusting God. If Larry is the man that God has chosen as my partner, and I truly believe that he is, then I have to also trust the God will see me through whatever we may face in marriage. I have to trust that God will meet the needs we can't meet for each other. I have to trust that God will give us the wisdom and patience to work through whatever difficulties may come our way. I have to trust that God will give us the grace and compassion we need to be partners for the rest of our lives.

That's a tough pill for me to swallow. I want so badly to protect myself from hurting. I want so badly to know that our marriage will be amazing. I don't want to give up every part of me and commit my life to someone until I know I'm not going to get hurt. But there's no way I can have a healthy relationship if I don't. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to my partner. So as scary as all this is to me, I have chosen to trust God. If I encounter pain because of what He has led me to, then He will see me through. I don't want to experience pain, but I know that God's grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in our weakness. So here I am...laying down what little power I had...becoming weak so God can work however He chooses in my life and in my future marriage...trusting...

Shoulding and Suffering

In response to pastorwick’s previous post (6/22/09 at 2:29 pm)…

Perhaps the largest of all soap boxes I will now proceed to climb upon, is regarding use of the word ‘should’. Should is my least favorite word in the English language. It is not always used in a harmful way (i.e. we should be there soon), but most frequently it is used harmfully. It often is used to tell someone what he or she could have done better – “You should have saved your money if you wanted a purple gumball.” This is particularly harmful because it refers to some behavior (or lack of behavior) in the past that cannot be changed. It also inherently points out inadequacy in others, because if the individual were good enough/smart enough he or she would have thought of the behavior and its consequences previously and would not be in the current situation.

In the case of pastorwick’s post, ‘should’ implies some sense of duty or obligation. This is not all bad, of course. I am obligated to put gas in my car if I expect to drive it. I am obligated to pay taxes if I expect to remain a free woman. These obligations are not bad. Unfortunately, ‘should’ is often used in this manner to imply a condition. Let’s look at an example…

“You should study if you want to be smart.”

First, there are plenty of smart people that never study, read, or dialogue. Second, there are plenty of people who study, read, and dialogue like crazy but don’t make a bit of sense.

In addition, this use of should is very behavioral in nature. It ties a particular behavior to a consequence, either reward or punishment. The consequences for the example above are: 1. You are not smart if you don’t study and 2. You are smart if you do study. I have already pointed out the fallacy in that logic so I won’t go over it again for you.

These two uses of ‘should’ are often employed to bring about shame and guilt. Shame is a useless, negative emotion, and has no business in the house of God. In my opinion, it has no place in an emotionally healthy society or in any relationship that is striving for unconditional love. I don’t have time to go into all of that here, as that’s another blog for another day. True Guilt, on the other hand, can bring positive outcomes. I use the term True Guilt because people often feel guilty for behaviors that are not actual offenses to anyone or anything. True Guilt comes from an actual offense and acts as a deterrent from committing future offenses.

In addition, using ‘should’ in a behavioral sense takes Christianity down a path that leads to legalism. Jesus came to free us from living lives based on behavior. Yes, behavior is a way that we can glorify or demean God, but behavior in and of itself does not save or condemn us. We are saved or condemned only by grace through faith. God is very clear that we are not saved by works, but by His grace alone (Ephesians 2:8-9).

So, I detest the word ‘should’. In fact, my favorite saying of all time is “Quit should-ing all over yourself!”

In conclusion…

1. Suffering is NOT a requirement for Christians. Is it likely? Absolutely. We live in a fallen world and most people suffer in some form or fashion.

2. Suffering does not make you a Christian or make you a better Christian. Can suffering create good things for people? Absolutely. But more suffering does not equal more Christian.

To give or not to give...

I've really been struggling this week with how much giving is too much. I have a strong tendency towards co-dependency. There are several co-dependent behaviors that I have struggled with in the past, and continue to struggle with today. Giving to much is one of these behaviors.

I have always had the tendency to be the 'giver' in my relationships. For most of my life I have given to others at the expense of myself. I am not saying in any way that giving to others in a way that costs you something is wrong. In fact, I believe that God calls all Christians to do this. The problem arises when you give more than you have. It's easy to lose yourself. It's easy to burnout. And if you don't have a strong support system with people giving back to you then you cannot survive. God made us to give to each other, and relationships cannot thrive and grow without give and take from both parties. My tendency, however, has always been to give more than I have. When I was growing up I survived this because I had a LOT of people giving to me too. When I got married, I lost most of that support system and I was giving a lot more than I had ever given before. I came to the point of complete and utter exhaustion, and had almost lost myself entirely before I realized what was going on. It was a ridiculous struggle to stop what was going on in that relationship and I am still recovering from it.

Because of my experiences in my marriage, I am hyper-aware of this aspect in my relationships now. It's also a lot easier for me to notice a pattern before it becomes unhealthy. This week I have really struggled with this issue because I have started to notice some of these patterns in some of my new relationships and I don't know what to do. When do you give more than you have hoping it will be enough? When do you stop giving beyond the minimum because you don't see any return? When do you settle, realizing that this relationship won't be what you had hoped? When do you give more for the benefit of an innocent bystander who's not even part of the unhealthy relationship?

Seriously, I would like all of your thoughts, because this is something I am really struggling with...and I don't trust myself to answer these questions alone.

The tortoise goes shopping for a wedding dress...

As most of you know, I recently got engaged...woo hoo! My fiance, Larry, and I will be getting married next summer. And as any girl knows, the dress is the most important part of any wedding (besides the groom of course). So that's what I started working on first.

Shopping for wedding dresses can be a fun, overwhelming, exhausting, and frightening task. I began by searching online. I created a google doc and saved links to my favorite dresses. I then began to whittle that list down to my favorite favorites and grouped them so I could have the least amount of appointments with the highest number of my favorite dresses. (I assume you all already know I'm an uber-nerd)

So last Saturday morning was my first appointment. I made sure to bring Leah because I know what a challenging task wedding dress shopping can be. I walked into the dress store armed with my most positive of attitudes, and I did alright for a while. I fully expected the dresses to be small and difficult for me to fit into. I know samples only come in one size that I'm not the one size they usually come in. I was prepared for all of that. Even so, when I saw the sizes of the dresses that I couldn't fit into I nearly had a heart attack. The sizes weren't anywhere near my pant size. Had my pants stretched to fit me? Oh no! They had! I was bigger than I already thought! Ahhhhhh!

Heartbroken and disappointed, I struggled on. Dress after dress after dress. I could hardly tell what some of them looked like because they wouldn't fit over my boobs, or my hips, or whatever else it is I have. I went to this particular store to try on one dress. A dress I was in love with. The waist in that thing must have been the size of my thigh! So I asked the girl who was helping me, just what size chart are they using here? She informed me that when she bought her dress from the same designer it was 2 sizes larger than her normal size. Whew! What a relief! Not that I like that size either, but that's WAY better than the sizes I was trying on.

I made it through many many dresses and found the dress of my dreams. It wasn't anything like the one I went in to try on, but it made my eyes sparkle. And I ordered it in a horrendous size that I do not wish to share with anyone, but it will look nice I'm sure.

So the morals of the story are...
1. Take a positive person (and maybe a tissue) wedding dress shopping with you
2. Don't be afraid of big numbers if they look good
3. Keep trying even if it's not what you thought you were trying for

Becoming a Tortoise...

One week ago from today I was in the midst of 'Weight Crisis 2009'. I was fully entrenched in hard-core dieting and aerobic workouts. I was definitely bordering on obsessive and slightly unhealthy. Yes, I have some weight to lose. But I want to do it the right way and I don't want to hate my life while I'm doing it. So I've adopted the Tortoise mentality.

The Tortoise mentality isn't easy for me. It doesn't come naturally. If there's something to be done I want to get it done, off my plate, and move on to the next thing. But I know that won't work with healthy weight loss or with maintaining a healthy lifestyle. It's a lifelong process. And to be quite honest, I'm sick of lifelong processes. I'd really just like to finish something! But the older I get the more I realize that nothing is ever finished and I have to somehow be okay with that. I don't like it one bit! But I'm working on it...and working on it...and working on it...

Today is 1 week into 'Weight Crisis 2009'. And thanks to the support of my friends I'm no longer feeling as if it is a crisis, which is good. I also feel like I can, in fact, accomplish my goals and not hate my life in the process. I've lost 5.5 lbs in this first week and I haven't been starving or work-out crazy, which goes to show just how much junk I was actually eating. So far, so good. We'll see how week 2 goes...

Numbers...

So this week has been really been challenging for me in respect to numbers. Particularly numbers that involve something about my body.

It all started with a picture that I thought made me look pregnant. Let me be very clear, I AM NOT PREGNANT! And yet in this particular photo I looked preggo. Yes, I know I was wearing a dress with an empire waist and yes, I know my back was arched because Larry was pulling me close to him, but still, I DON'T CARE! I think I looked pregnant and it threw me into a funk.

So I decided to weigh myself. BIG mistake! I've always weighed more than I look like I weigh. I've always worn a bigger size than people would guess. I don't know if I'm internally made of lead or what, but that's just the way I am. So Monday of this week, I walked over the clinic where I work and weighed myself.

The downward spiral quickly followed. I felt horrible about myself. I felt unattractive. I decided to do 60 minutes of cardio a day and eat no sugar and very few carbs. I was in a mild state of depression for the rest of Monday, but at least I went to the gym and ate better than I usually do.

Tuesday morning came and I was in a much better state of mind. I was determined. I was positive that I could meet my goals and not hate my life while I was getting into shape. I took a walk when I woke up, had a great breakfast, had a great mid-morning snack, and I was in great spirits. And then my dear friend Leah asked me to with her to the cafeteria so she could get some lunch. Suddenly I was in a foul mood. My frozen chicken enchilada suddenly seemed like mush. Leah asked if I was okay and said that I didn't seem to be very happy. I had been happy all morning. How could one walk through the cafeteria (which, by the way, doesn't have very appetizing food anyway) change my mood so severely?

I ate my frozen enchilada (after microwaving it of course) and have eaten well throughout this week. But I'm still disturbed by how my weight and my pant size can cause such reactions in me. It's not that I'm fat. And most of you wouldn't call me unattractive if you saw me in person. In fact, a lot of you would probably find me attractive. And it's not even that I'm unhealthy. I feel good and all of my checkups and blood work have been good. Still, for some reason, the numbers loom in my mind. I don't want to weigh as much as I do. I don't want to wear such a large size of pants. Yes, I know I have some extra weight on and I couldn't be a supermodel. But let's be serious, most of us will never look like our ideal. And I'm really okay with that. I just want to not dislike myself so much when I get on the scale or pull up my pants.

Record Review! Chris Cornell's Scream

Now for something a little less serious! My fabulous boyfriend suggested that I occasionally include a post that isn't so 'deep' or 'thorough'. So from time to time I will be critiquing new records. I haven't quite perfected my system yet, so for now we'll just use 5 stars, but be looking for something more appropriate in the future. Today I will be reviewing Chris Cornell's 'Scream'.

Artist: Chris Cornell (most widely known as the lead singer of Soundgarden & Audioslave)
Record: Scream
iTunes price: $9.99
Songs: 15

First, this records is a great value. You get 15 tracks for the price of $9.99! The average record has 10 tracks, so you're already getting 1 1/2 times what you would normally get. Woo hoo!

Besides the great value, this is just a FABULOUS record!

I have always been in awe of Chris Cornell's voice. He has amazing control and an amazing vocal tone. His voice is incredibly smooth, even after so many years of recording and performing on the road.

Beyond the display of Chris's rare talent, you will find some of the most creative songs I've heard in years. Fabulous melodies, intertwined with creative production...overall it's basically an orgasm for your ears. Most of you know me, and know that I have spent a good deal of time involved in music production. And the production on this record is incredible! There are intriguing sounds, complementing counter-melodies, along with strong primary melodies. Put this all together and you have an amazing record.

The production team was also rather creative in their methods for putting this record together. One song virtually melts into another. It's beautiful really.

I had to listen to this record a couple of times before I fell madly in love with it. For me that's actually pretty quick. Since that time (about 3 weeks ago) I haven't taken the record out of my car CD player. I LOVE IT!

I know I don't have the same music taste as everyone out there, so just because I like it doesn't necessarily mean it's for you. It's definitely not a hard rock record. It's more of what I would call a 'groovin' record. Amazing to listen to, but if you were at a concert there would be no head banging...more like head nodding. This record would also be great for just chillin with your friends, having a good drink, good conversation, and GREAT background music.

Staci's Approval Rating: 4 1/2 stars

Abandonment Issues...

I started a new book this week (Dangerous Wonder by Michael Yaconelli). I won't call it the most well-written book, but it has definitely served to spark some new thoughts in me. The thought from this morning was regarding abandonment. More specificallly, how we are to live in complete abandon to Christ. Jesus calls us to abandon our lives so that we may live life to the fullest. I don't know about you, but I definitely want the fullest life I can possible have.

People often say that they're following Jesus entirely, or that they've 'taken up their cross to follow Jesus'. But I can't say that I've ever met someone who lived in complete abandon to Christ. It's incredibly dangerous...to give up our need for things that make us feel secure, for activities that make us feel special, for our need to plan and prepare for the future, for our need to keep ourselves emotionally safe. Michael Yaconelli believes Jesus is saying to us, "Abandon yourself to the One who will never abandon you." Wait! There's someone who won't abandon me? I don't believe that...

I had to stop reading for a few minutes to think if there was anyone in my life that hadn't abandoned me in some way. It didn't take long to cross nearly everyone I know off that list. There have been a couple of people in my life that haven't abandoned me, and to these people I am truly grateful. There are several new people in my life that still have the potential of not abandoning me. But other than that, I don't know anyone. It's a rare occurence to not be abandoned these days. No wonder I don't believe that Jesus won't abandon me!

See, my difficulty in living in abandon to Jesus isn't all the 'worldly' treasures. It's the fact that I have no idea how to be fully vulnerable with someone. Nearly every important person in my life has taught me that I can't fully trust them. So why would I fully trust God? Why would I risk the pain and agony of abandonment when I could just stay in my nice little space and not hurt?

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I went through this same debate last summer after my divorce. The divorce hurt like hell. And I never want to go through a pain like that again. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. So I came to the conclusion that I had two options. I could either stay in Staci's world and never hurt again (which also means I would give up experiencing life to the fullest) OR I could continue to risk my feelings and my heart in order to experience what I know the world has to offer through true, meaningful relationships.

I chose to risk. I still have a lot of work to do to be truly vulnerable, and it's definitely still scary. But so far I have been rewarded with a fabulous relationship with my new significant other and with deeper and more meaningful relationships with everyone else in my life. Who knew that risking could be so healing? Now if I could just apply that to my spiritual life...

Gifts and more...

I'm sorting through my issues with accepting gifts and have come to realize that my upbringing was a bit disjointed in this area. My parents give freely and willingly (as they are able) to the church or other organizations/people that they felt God was telling them to give. But when they give gifts otherwise, it's generally conditional giving. Basically this means that they usually expect something in return. Sometimes it's a gift, but more frequently it's to align your opinion with theirs. And sometimes my parents think they still control the gift even after it has been given.

Accepting gifts is another thing altogether. My parents rarely need or ask for help. I'm sure they did moreso in their younger days when we were nearly destitute. But everything I remember was that we didn't need help. In fact, we were often the helpers...of friends, of family, and of God. Other people needed help, but we didn't.

Add on top of that a dash of conditional love (based on good behavior), a smidgen of belief that humans could be perfect and sinless, and a sprinkle of 'righteous' self-effacement and you've got quite a complex.

As I've grown older I've realized the impact all this has had on my life. I first discover real grace while reading Messy Spirituality my Michael Yaconelli. (If you haven't read go read it right now!) The concept of grace, giving something to someone that they don't deserve and could never earn just because you love them, floored me. For a couple of years I've been trying to assimilate this into my belief system. It just doesn't equate with what has been ingrained in me.
I hate that this is true, because grace is the foundation of our relationship with God. And yet, I find it hard to accept. Why would someone, especially God, just give me something? And it's something amazing? And it's something I could never afford? And it's something I could never earn? It just doesn't make sense in my brain. No matter how hard I try, I can't grasp it. This is the mystery of the grace of God.

So as I've continued to struggle with this concept in the spiritual sense, I've also struggled with it personally. It's terribly difficult for me to ask for help or to receive gifts that are not required by custom. I find myself feeling many things in these situations...most of them are bad feelings. I feel like I 'should' have been able to handle things on my own. I feel like I 'shouldn't' need other people's help. I feel disempowered by gifts because I automatically associate some imaginary string that is attached to it. I feel like I don't deserve and wish that the giver would take it back so I didn't feel so undeserving.

I don't want to live this way. I wish I could just get over it. Or that people would just stop making me feel so bad for needing help or for accepting something I don't deserve.

But thank God I can't just make it go away. Thank God there are people that are full of grace and want to give without expecting in return. Thank God there loved ones that see that we need help even when we are unwilling or unable to ask. Because this is the crux of our relationship with God. We must be willing to ask for His help. We must be willing to receive His grace...without guilt and without pride.We must just take it and enjoy it.

Separate but Equal?

Some of you may not be very familiar with evangelical sub-cultural. Others of you are very familiar I'm sure. For those of you who are less familiar with the protestant/evangelical world, let me fill you in. Those of you that are familiar may want to skip the description below.

In the land of evangelicalism/protestantism there is an 'underground' society. Well, maybe it's not so underground. But if you aren't of that persuasion you would know nothing about it. It involves 'christian' novels, 'christian' music, 'christian' jewelry, even 'christian' mints. (I don't capitalize christian because I wholeheartedly believe that an industry of any kind should not be called 'Christian' as only people can be 'Christians' in my opinion.)

A protestant child, teenager, or adult can live a live completely separate from the rest of the functioning world. Growing up I vividly remember my mom reading only 'christian' novels. As a young teenager I began to read 'christian' novels for people my age. I listened only to 'christian' music for the last two years of high school. I had subscriptions to 'christian' magazines. There weren't any 'christian' movies at the time, so I didn't watch any movies (it was against our 'religion'). Of course the music wasn't as good and the magazine was pretty lame, but I survived okay. I lived a life similar to that of my peers, but it was completely and entirely separate.

What's even more interesting about this subculture is that it almost always imitates American culture as a whole, especially in the music industry. You will almost always find a 'christian' equivalent for any band or artist. These often don't appear until a certain sound has become a hit in the general culture, but the 'christian' knock-offs always show up eventually. For some reason, the protestant/evangelical movement has to have it's own culture, separate from the rest of the world.

So what's the problem?

Aren't we supposed to be 'in' the world but not 'of' the world? I heard that particular argument frequently from my own parents. And I'm not going to disagree with it. I am, however, going to disagree with the common interpretation of it. As Christians we are not supposed to be 'of' the world. We are not supposed to have the same priorities and goals as those of the world. We are to be God-focused. Being 'of' the world means simply that our value no longer lies in worldly possessions or priorities. Our meaning is found in God. As far as I know, the fact that I buy a particular record because it's an amazing record, but happens to not be created by all 'Christians' doesn't mean that I'm 'of' the world. The fact that I marvel at art that was created by someone that doesn't call him/herself a 'Christian' doesn't nullify the fact that it's a beautiful work of art. God can found and appreciated even where He's not explicitly intended to be.

And what about being so not 'of' the world that you're hardly in it? My life paralleled that of my peers in many ways. Even so, there was almost nothing we could really talk about. We could talk about our surroundings and events that happened while we were at school together, but other than that I simply couldn't relate. I had a couple of dear friends, Maggie and Andi. I'm not sure what we ever really talked about, other than regular chatter. Don't get me wrong, I love them both dearly. But I always knew I was the odd man out. I didn't live in their world. I didn't come from the same context. It was impossible for me to understand what they were really dealing with because I lived in a separate world. I wonder what it would have been like if I had been able to relate to them and understand what they were going through. But how on earth could I have shared the love and grace of God with them when I couldn't relate to them?


This separateness often creates an environment of judgement and self-righteousness. If one is surrounded by things that are all 'christian' he or she must be really in touch with God right? If someone is so holy that he or she 'can't' listen to that 'worldly' music or read that 'worldly filth' he must be a better Christian that someone who does right? I'm sure no one would admit to trying to send that message, but that is the message that is often sent. Sounds a bit Pharisaical doesn't it?

God didn't call us to separate. (And believe me, we're the ones doing all the separating.) God called us to love Him, serve Him, and love His people. And I think the world would be a much better place if we had Christians serving and glorifying God in all areas of life rather than just in 'christian' industries. Then maybe people who aren't Christians would be able to experience God in their everyday worlds too.

So you'll know where I'm coming from...

For those who do not know me, or for those who do not know me well, I thought it would be best to give you a little background on myself. My past definitely colors my opinions, so I want you to know where I'm coming from.

I am 28 years old. In the past year I have gotten divorced, moved twice (once to another region of the country), and gotten a new job.

I was raised in a strict, evangelical home. We weren't allowed to paint our nails, pierce our ears, wear 'loud' clothing, go to the movies, or dance. (Hence the name of my blog). I left for college at 18 and permanently moved out at 20. Since that point I have been doing my best to recover from the untruths that were ingrained in me as a young woman.

I got my undergraduate degree in Psychology from Trevecca Nazarene University in Nashville, TN. (We'll get into to details of how I ended up there later). I got my master's in Human Development Counseling at Vanderbilt University, also in Nashville. I lived in Nashville for the last 9 years, until my recent move.

Currently I am working in cancer research. I have always loved research and learning.


I am newly transplanted in the St. Louis area making new friends and exploring my new locale.


Hopefully this will serve as a good jumping off point for later posts...

My First Real Blog!

I am SO excited to be writing my first official blog. I've always had a lot of thoughts and opinions, and I believe this is a good way to share them. So be on the look out for posts that are thought provoking and life changing. Just keep in mind that my life was changed this week by a new hair dryer. Happy reading!