Gifts and more...

I'm sorting through my issues with accepting gifts and have come to realize that my upbringing was a bit disjointed in this area. My parents give freely and willingly (as they are able) to the church or other organizations/people that they felt God was telling them to give. But when they give gifts otherwise, it's generally conditional giving. Basically this means that they usually expect something in return. Sometimes it's a gift, but more frequently it's to align your opinion with theirs. And sometimes my parents think they still control the gift even after it has been given.

Accepting gifts is another thing altogether. My parents rarely need or ask for help. I'm sure they did moreso in their younger days when we were nearly destitute. But everything I remember was that we didn't need help. In fact, we were often the helpers...of friends, of family, and of God. Other people needed help, but we didn't.

Add on top of that a dash of conditional love (based on good behavior), a smidgen of belief that humans could be perfect and sinless, and a sprinkle of 'righteous' self-effacement and you've got quite a complex.

As I've grown older I've realized the impact all this has had on my life. I first discover real grace while reading Messy Spirituality my Michael Yaconelli. (If you haven't read go read it right now!) The concept of grace, giving something to someone that they don't deserve and could never earn just because you love them, floored me. For a couple of years I've been trying to assimilate this into my belief system. It just doesn't equate with what has been ingrained in me.
I hate that this is true, because grace is the foundation of our relationship with God. And yet, I find it hard to accept. Why would someone, especially God, just give me something? And it's something amazing? And it's something I could never afford? And it's something I could never earn? It just doesn't make sense in my brain. No matter how hard I try, I can't grasp it. This is the mystery of the grace of God.

So as I've continued to struggle with this concept in the spiritual sense, I've also struggled with it personally. It's terribly difficult for me to ask for help or to receive gifts that are not required by custom. I find myself feeling many things in these situations...most of them are bad feelings. I feel like I 'should' have been able to handle things on my own. I feel like I 'shouldn't' need other people's help. I feel disempowered by gifts because I automatically associate some imaginary string that is attached to it. I feel like I don't deserve and wish that the giver would take it back so I didn't feel so undeserving.

I don't want to live this way. I wish I could just get over it. Or that people would just stop making me feel so bad for needing help or for accepting something I don't deserve.

But thank God I can't just make it go away. Thank God there are people that are full of grace and want to give without expecting in return. Thank God there loved ones that see that we need help even when we are unwilling or unable to ask. Because this is the crux of our relationship with God. We must be willing to ask for His help. We must be willing to receive His grace...without guilt and without pride.We must just take it and enjoy it.