Learning the same thing over again...and again...

If you know me then you know I have a tendency to overanalyze things. It's a part of me that makes me good at my job, but challenges me in my personal life. I want to know things. I want proof, or at least support, of nearly everything. I have a healthy sense of doubt when I hear or read supposed 'facts'. I immediately want to see all the research that backs up the 'fact' before I will agree that is, in fact, fact.

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately for me) life isn't all about facts. There are millions of things in this world that can't be explained by research. Things like feelings and spirituality. I know some of these things can have a tangible, factual basis, but for the most part these things are abstract. Things like trust, attraction, hopes, fears, feelings of closeness...I could go on and on.

So when my overanalyzing self starts evaluating abstract things I can get worked into quite an anxious state. Yesterday was one of those many times. I went to sleep feeling rather unresolved. This morning I woke up with determination to deal with my anxious, overanalyzing self.

When I get this worked up I often have to go back to the things that I Know, both factual and existential. Here's what I came up with...

I Know that I overanalyze everything and I Know that I was born and bred to be a worrier. So I started pondering worry and anxiousness and was instinctively led to several passages in the Bible about how God will take care of me. I Know that God has led me to where I am. I Know that without a doubt. And if God has led me to where I am, then I Know that God will give me the tools/strength/wisdom/patience to deal with whatever comes along with that.

It seems so simple. It's something I've Known before in my life, many times and many years ago. It's funny how we 'forget' the things we Know. Sometimes I feel like God might as well hit me over the head with a 2x4 because I have to keep learning the same things over and over again, but I'm glad He doesn't. I'm glad He leads me back to a place of Knowing. And I will do whatever I can to keep Knowing this for the rest of my life.

Life's expectations...

Life is not at all what I expected.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Nearly every person I talk to had a different expectation for his/her life that what actually became of it. Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe my life was too good while growing up. Or maybe not. I know plenty of people who had expectations of life during childhood and all those were shattered before even becoming teenagers.

I have a feeling that everyone has a schema for 'life' and that it doesn't ever turn out that way. I expected to be a stay-at-home with two kids by now. Instead I'm 29, divorced, engaged, and scared about what another marriage holds. Marriage didn't turn out the way I expected it to. I'm pretty sure marriage never turns out the way we expect it to. I'm pretty sure life never turns out the way we expect it to.

When I was 23 I separated from my first husband. Things were bad. I was young. I was devastated. I really believed I would be married to him until the day I died. I couldn't believe what had become of our relationship. My boss-at-the-time was going through a separation with her husband. They had been married for more than 20 years at that point. She shared some advice with me that I will never forget...

She said she had a vision about a home. She had ordered rugs to fit the rooms inside. She waited and waited for her rugs. When the rugs finally arrived they were the wrong size. They were not at all what she had ordered, but they were what she had. And even though they weren't what she had expected or planned, she used them. And her house became beautiful in a way she hadn't imagined. She said to me, "Even though it's not what you planned or expected, it can still be beautiful."

That story and that comment have stuck with me ever since. Life is not what we expect it to be. I grieve the loss of my expectations on a regular basis. At some point I believe I will be done with my grieving. But for now, I must grieve the loss of my expectations...and know that my life can still be amazingly beautiful even though it's not what I expected.