Thursday, July 2, 2009

Trust is such a big word...

All the wedding planning has brought me face to face with some things that are very difficult for me, mainly a lack of trust for significant others and fear about what is out of my control. I've been attempting to face and overcome these fears this week. Hopefully my experiences will help some of you and hopefully some of you will have some thoughts that help me. So here goes...

I'm a recovering control freak. I say recovering because I believe it's a lifelong process to give up my intense desire for control. If you know me at all this is not a revelation. I like to have control. I like to be in charge. Empowerment reduces anxiety. This isn't rocket science and I'm sure many of you understand. The more control you have over a situation, the less anxious you are. Some people are naturally not anxious. They can easily go with the flow and take things as they come without a worry or care. If you are one of those people, I envy you. I'm not sure if I was born with a natural bent towards anxiety or if I learned it. My guess is it's a combination of the two. Regardless, I'm pretty tightly wound. To alleviate my anxiety I plan ahead, make sure I have extra time for things, and make sure I know EVERYTHING I can. I try to relax and 'let go', but this is a very difficult task for me.(I'm open to suggestions on how to do that better)

"What does this have to do with trust?," you may ask. Everything if you ask me. I'm engaged to the love of my life. And I'm finding myself afraid for the future. Afraid that after we get married he will change. Afraid that there's something secret and hidden that won't come out until after the nuptials. Afraid that his priorities will change and I will no longer be one of them. My fears are not based on anything that he has ever done. My fears are clearly because of things I've experienced in the past. Things that I never want to experience again.

I realize that this has nothing to do with me trusting my fiance and everything to do with me. There are questions that I wanted answered but these answers are unknowable right now. I hate that! As I said earlier, I want to know everything. It calms my anxieties. I came to the conclusion yesterday that there was no way I would be able to have these questions answered before we get married. Ugh!

So clearly I'm stuck. I can't know the answers that I think I need to know. What can I possibly do? I began to realize more and more that this isn't about me trusting Larry. Larry is amazing and has done nothing to warrant any of my fears. In fact he's done everything to prove to me that there's nothing for me to be afraid of with him.

If all this is true then the answer has to be outside of me trusting Larry. And it absolutely is. My fears are about me trusting God. If Larry is the man that God has chosen as my partner, and I truly believe that he is, then I have to also trust the God will see me through whatever we may face in marriage. I have to trust that God will meet the needs we can't meet for each other. I have to trust that God will give us the wisdom and patience to work through whatever difficulties may come our way. I have to trust that God will give us the grace and compassion we need to be partners for the rest of our lives.

That's a tough pill for me to swallow. I want so badly to protect myself from hurting. I want so badly to know that our marriage will be amazing. I don't want to give up every part of me and commit my life to someone until I know I'm not going to get hurt. But there's no way I can have a healthy relationship if I don't. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to my partner. So as scary as all this is to me, I have chosen to trust God. If I encounter pain because of what He has led me to, then He will see me through. I don't want to experience pain, but I know that God's grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in our weakness. So here I am...laying down what little power I had...becoming weak so God can work however He chooses in my life and in my future marriage...trusting...