Abandonment Issues...

I started a new book this week (Dangerous Wonder by Michael Yaconelli). I won't call it the most well-written book, but it has definitely served to spark some new thoughts in me. The thought from this morning was regarding abandonment. More specificallly, how we are to live in complete abandon to Christ. Jesus calls us to abandon our lives so that we may live life to the fullest. I don't know about you, but I definitely want the fullest life I can possible have.

People often say that they're following Jesus entirely, or that they've 'taken up their cross to follow Jesus'. But I can't say that I've ever met someone who lived in complete abandon to Christ. It's incredibly dangerous...to give up our need for things that make us feel secure, for activities that make us feel special, for our need to plan and prepare for the future, for our need to keep ourselves emotionally safe. Michael Yaconelli believes Jesus is saying to us, "Abandon yourself to the One who will never abandon you." Wait! There's someone who won't abandon me? I don't believe that...

I had to stop reading for a few minutes to think if there was anyone in my life that hadn't abandoned me in some way. It didn't take long to cross nearly everyone I know off that list. There have been a couple of people in my life that haven't abandoned me, and to these people I am truly grateful. There are several new people in my life that still have the potential of not abandoning me. But other than that, I don't know anyone. It's a rare occurence to not be abandoned these days. No wonder I don't believe that Jesus won't abandon me!

See, my difficulty in living in abandon to Jesus isn't all the 'worldly' treasures. It's the fact that I have no idea how to be fully vulnerable with someone. Nearly every important person in my life has taught me that I can't fully trust them. So why would I fully trust God? Why would I risk the pain and agony of abandonment when I could just stay in my nice little space and not hurt?

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I went through this same debate last summer after my divorce. The divorce hurt like hell. And I never want to go through a pain like that again. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. So I came to the conclusion that I had two options. I could either stay in Staci's world and never hurt again (which also means I would give up experiencing life to the fullest) OR I could continue to risk my feelings and my heart in order to experience what I know the world has to offer through true, meaningful relationships.

I chose to risk. I still have a lot of work to do to be truly vulnerable, and it's definitely still scary. But so far I have been rewarded with a fabulous relationship with my new significant other and with deeper and more meaningful relationships with everyone else in my life. Who knew that risking could be so healing? Now if I could just apply that to my spiritual life...