I've really been struggling this week with how much giving is too much. I have a strong tendency towards co-dependency. There are several co-dependent behaviors that I have struggled with in the past, and continue to struggle with today. Giving to much is one of these behaviors.
I have always had the tendency to be the 'giver' in my relationships. For most of my life I have given to others at the expense of myself. I am not saying in any way that giving to others in a way that costs you something is wrong. In fact, I believe that God calls all Christians to do this. The problem arises when you give more than you have. It's easy to lose yourself. It's easy to burnout. And if you don't have a strong support system with people giving back to you then you cannot survive. God made us to give to each other, and relationships cannot thrive and grow without give and take from both parties. My tendency, however, has always been to give more than I have. When I was growing up I survived this because I had a LOT of people giving to me too. When I got married, I lost most of that support system and I was giving a lot more than I had ever given before. I came to the point of complete and utter exhaustion, and had almost lost myself entirely before I realized what was going on. It was a ridiculous struggle to stop what was going on in that relationship and I am still recovering from it.
Because of my experiences in my marriage, I am hyper-aware of this aspect in my relationships now. It's also a lot easier for me to notice a pattern before it becomes unhealthy. This week I have really struggled with this issue because I have started to notice some of these patterns in some of my new relationships and I don't know what to do. When do you give more than you have hoping it will be enough? When do you stop giving beyond the minimum because you don't see any return? When do you settle, realizing that this relationship won't be what you had hoped? When do you give more for the benefit of an innocent bystander who's not even part of the unhealthy relationship?
Seriously, I would like all of your thoughts, because this is something I am really struggling with...and I don't trust myself to answer these questions alone.
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Oooh, what a great blog entry. I need to mull over these questions for a bit before I answer.
ReplyDeleteI suppose in marriage especially, there is a large amount of vulnerability that you are both giving without regard for what or how much is given; wrapping your life around loves infinite debt to the other.
ReplyDeleteBut in everday language: regular date nights, lots of prayer, and professional therapy. :)
For once in my life this isn't about my relationship with my signifcant other. Which is great, but unfortunately I am dealing with this in numerous other relationships in my life right now...any thoughts on that?
ReplyDeleteI think More and More, people are so busy, they become takers rather than givers.. So you have to watch out for yourself ,, while being a kind and giving person but bringing a balance as best you can..
ReplyDeleteYou can make yourself into a frenzied soul, trying to be too much of a giver, and other's often will not notice, because of the fast,, crazy,pace that people live at,, And , its human nature, to be selfish as well, so sometimes you can not win, for losing.
But, if you do not take care of yourself, and give to yourself, you will not have enough left, to give to others..
Anyways,, just in case , my birthday is on Halloween, and I love to be with people on holidays, in case you want to start planning how to give to me,, haha, Mama O.
Just say no?
ReplyDeleteGive everything you can, and know what you can't. Always give towards God, though it may serve others.
But remember, practicing vulnerable humility (following Jesus) will most likely result in suffering pain of some sort.
In response to the last comment, I want to be clear to all that...
ReplyDelete1. Following Jesus does not mean you will suffer. You may or you may not.
And...
2. Suffering doesn't equal following Jesus. There are plenty of people who suffer because they think it's more holy if you are suffering...that somehow Jesus wants us to suffer. This is not true.
God didn't call us to be sufferers for Jesus, although sometimes that is part of it. He called us to live life to the fullest and to glorify Him. K, I'll step off that soap box now.
Staci, this is a good post and obviously important for you. I've seen in my life people give more than they have and give in ways never intended. This seems to be a problem in our family that manifests itself in different types of relationships. I'm sure you know this already, but what makes this even more difficult is that giving is a good thing so it's easy to justify when it becomes a problem.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned giving and expecting return. I understand that there is a type of economy to this. How much do I spend before I see that it's no longer economically viable for me to do so, or at least where do I draw that line. I'm not going to attempt to answer that aspect.
Often, usually, when we give it is to help another or primarily for their benefit. Keep that in mind as I continue.
During my military training as a medic there is one thing that you say more than anything else, "BSI. Is my scene safe?" BSI is body substance isolation. This signifies that before you go out to help someone you are going to put on gloves, goggles and anything else you need to protect yourself from the bodily fluids of others. The second part seems the most difficult for people. "Is my scene safe?"
We're at war, we're probably going to get fired upon. Of coarse my scene isn't safe. Who cares if it is or if it isn't, I need to save a life!
In response to this line of thinking we are taught a very important concept. Often there are more casualties than there are medics. There are more people who need help, than those offering it. If you wait until your scene is safe before you go out to help people, there is a good chance that people will die. The real question is, what happens to all of those people if you get shot?
You have to be okay, to help others be okay. You have to be alive to help others live. I think the same line of thinking can be applied here. If you're giving beyond your means (financially or otherwise) than you're really not helping anyone and you're only hurting you. You need to make sure you're "scene is safe" before you give, not after or during. You need to think about yourself to make sure you're able to think about others.
I hope this all helps.
Paul, those are some great words of wisdom. Thank you! Love ya!
ReplyDeleteStaci: I think you raise a very good point about suffering. Often, Christians are taught it's their lot to suffer. After all, you are to "take up your cross." Women, disproportionately, are affected by this.
ReplyDeleteI don't have an answer to your questions, right now, but I wanted to affirm the point you made.
Maybe my suffering comment was read through a lens already crafted. I didn't mean a blanket statement that "all Christians will suffer a specific type of suffering", or that "all suffering is from Christ".
ReplyDeleteBut rather, to relate well with anyone, even (and especially) ourselves - we need to be healed towards God and His heart. When we seek to have God's heart, we WILL suffer as He does for and with those who are suffering, and towards the final healing of all creation.
It's in that context that I would say that yes, following Jesus means you should and will...suffer.
Not sure how we got from giving too much to suffering. Usually giving is from a heart that desires to. Unhealthy giving of more than you have doesn't do anyone good.
ReplyDeleteIt is a personal decision, and God mainly loves the cheerful decisive kind of giving (2 Corinthians 9:7). So basically when you compel yourself outside of what you are able to decide in your heart, you are beyond what even God has determined to be healthy and good.
Maybe we naturally moved towards some talk on suffering because -
ReplyDeleteThe more people we desire to relate to vulnerably (genuinely), the more suffering we have potential of. Not required, but potential; even though our hope lies in other aspects of such relationships (i.e. the aspect of giving/receiving mentioned here, and other healthy/life affirming things).
So what part of being genuine and vulnerable is suffering?
ReplyDeleteTry giving withOUT expecting or even wanting anything in return...
ReplyDeletefrom the sound of what you're saying, it's obvious that has not been any kind of idea or mantra for you.
You can not be "hurt" or "exhausted" by giving unless you're always planning and hoping on getting something in return. (love, adoration, praise) So you're always going to be let down when you're giving is not reciprocated... which is the case most of the time.
Giving while planning on getting something for it, has NOTHING to do with love in any way. It's exactly the opposite.
It sounds like you have every right to be worried about your relationships, cause your main concern is what YOU get out of them.
It's your perspective, not your actions that are your problem.