Shoulding and Suffering

In response to pastorwick’s previous post (6/22/09 at 2:29 pm)…

Perhaps the largest of all soap boxes I will now proceed to climb upon, is regarding use of the word ‘should’. Should is my least favorite word in the English language. It is not always used in a harmful way (i.e. we should be there soon), but most frequently it is used harmfully. It often is used to tell someone what he or she could have done better – “You should have saved your money if you wanted a purple gumball.” This is particularly harmful because it refers to some behavior (or lack of behavior) in the past that cannot be changed. It also inherently points out inadequacy in others, because if the individual were good enough/smart enough he or she would have thought of the behavior and its consequences previously and would not be in the current situation.

In the case of pastorwick’s post, ‘should’ implies some sense of duty or obligation. This is not all bad, of course. I am obligated to put gas in my car if I expect to drive it. I am obligated to pay taxes if I expect to remain a free woman. These obligations are not bad. Unfortunately, ‘should’ is often used in this manner to imply a condition. Let’s look at an example…

“You should study if you want to be smart.”

First, there are plenty of smart people that never study, read, or dialogue. Second, there are plenty of people who study, read, and dialogue like crazy but don’t make a bit of sense.

In addition, this use of should is very behavioral in nature. It ties a particular behavior to a consequence, either reward or punishment. The consequences for the example above are: 1. You are not smart if you don’t study and 2. You are smart if you do study. I have already pointed out the fallacy in that logic so I won’t go over it again for you.

These two uses of ‘should’ are often employed to bring about shame and guilt. Shame is a useless, negative emotion, and has no business in the house of God. In my opinion, it has no place in an emotionally healthy society or in any relationship that is striving for unconditional love. I don’t have time to go into all of that here, as that’s another blog for another day. True Guilt, on the other hand, can bring positive outcomes. I use the term True Guilt because people often feel guilty for behaviors that are not actual offenses to anyone or anything. True Guilt comes from an actual offense and acts as a deterrent from committing future offenses.

In addition, using ‘should’ in a behavioral sense takes Christianity down a path that leads to legalism. Jesus came to free us from living lives based on behavior. Yes, behavior is a way that we can glorify or demean God, but behavior in and of itself does not save or condemn us. We are saved or condemned only by grace through faith. God is very clear that we are not saved by works, but by His grace alone (Ephesians 2:8-9).

So, I detest the word ‘should’. In fact, my favorite saying of all time is “Quit should-ing all over yourself!”

In conclusion…

1. Suffering is NOT a requirement for Christians. Is it likely? Absolutely. We live in a fallen world and most people suffer in some form or fashion.

2. Suffering does not make you a Christian or make you a better Christian. Can suffering create good things for people? Absolutely. But more suffering does not equal more Christian.