Life's expectations...

Life is not at all what I expected.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Nearly every person I talk to had a different expectation for his/her life that what actually became of it. Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe my life was too good while growing up. Or maybe not. I know plenty of people who had expectations of life during childhood and all those were shattered before even becoming teenagers.

I have a feeling that everyone has a schema for 'life' and that it doesn't ever turn out that way. I expected to be a stay-at-home with two kids by now. Instead I'm 29, divorced, engaged, and scared about what another marriage holds. Marriage didn't turn out the way I expected it to. I'm pretty sure marriage never turns out the way we expect it to. I'm pretty sure life never turns out the way we expect it to.

When I was 23 I separated from my first husband. Things were bad. I was young. I was devastated. I really believed I would be married to him until the day I died. I couldn't believe what had become of our relationship. My boss-at-the-time was going through a separation with her husband. They had been married for more than 20 years at that point. She shared some advice with me that I will never forget...

She said she had a vision about a home. She had ordered rugs to fit the rooms inside. She waited and waited for her rugs. When the rugs finally arrived they were the wrong size. They were not at all what she had ordered, but they were what she had. And even though they weren't what she had expected or planned, she used them. And her house became beautiful in a way she hadn't imagined. She said to me, "Even though it's not what you planned or expected, it can still be beautiful."

That story and that comment have stuck with me ever since. Life is not what we expect it to be. I grieve the loss of my expectations on a regular basis. At some point I believe I will be done with my grieving. But for now, I must grieve the loss of my expectations...and know that my life can still be amazingly beautiful even though it's not what I expected.

Trust is such a big word...

All the wedding planning has brought me face to face with some things that are very difficult for me, mainly a lack of trust for significant others and fear about what is out of my control. I've been attempting to face and overcome these fears this week. Hopefully my experiences will help some of you and hopefully some of you will have some thoughts that help me. So here goes...

I'm a recovering control freak. I say recovering because I believe it's a lifelong process to give up my intense desire for control. If you know me at all this is not a revelation. I like to have control. I like to be in charge. Empowerment reduces anxiety. This isn't rocket science and I'm sure many of you understand. The more control you have over a situation, the less anxious you are. Some people are naturally not anxious. They can easily go with the flow and take things as they come without a worry or care. If you are one of those people, I envy you. I'm not sure if I was born with a natural bent towards anxiety or if I learned it. My guess is it's a combination of the two. Regardless, I'm pretty tightly wound. To alleviate my anxiety I plan ahead, make sure I have extra time for things, and make sure I know EVERYTHING I can. I try to relax and 'let go', but this is a very difficult task for me.(I'm open to suggestions on how to do that better)

"What does this have to do with trust?," you may ask. Everything if you ask me. I'm engaged to the love of my life. And I'm finding myself afraid for the future. Afraid that after we get married he will change. Afraid that there's something secret and hidden that won't come out until after the nuptials. Afraid that his priorities will change and I will no longer be one of them. My fears are not based on anything that he has ever done. My fears are clearly because of things I've experienced in the past. Things that I never want to experience again.

I realize that this has nothing to do with me trusting my fiance and everything to do with me. There are questions that I wanted answered but these answers are unknowable right now. I hate that! As I said earlier, I want to know everything. It calms my anxieties. I came to the conclusion yesterday that there was no way I would be able to have these questions answered before we get married. Ugh!

So clearly I'm stuck. I can't know the answers that I think I need to know. What can I possibly do? I began to realize more and more that this isn't about me trusting Larry. Larry is amazing and has done nothing to warrant any of my fears. In fact he's done everything to prove to me that there's nothing for me to be afraid of with him.

If all this is true then the answer has to be outside of me trusting Larry. And it absolutely is. My fears are about me trusting God. If Larry is the man that God has chosen as my partner, and I truly believe that he is, then I have to also trust the God will see me through whatever we may face in marriage. I have to trust that God will meet the needs we can't meet for each other. I have to trust that God will give us the wisdom and patience to work through whatever difficulties may come our way. I have to trust that God will give us the grace and compassion we need to be partners for the rest of our lives.

That's a tough pill for me to swallow. I want so badly to protect myself from hurting. I want so badly to know that our marriage will be amazing. I don't want to give up every part of me and commit my life to someone until I know I'm not going to get hurt. But there's no way I can have a healthy relationship if I don't. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to my partner. So as scary as all this is to me, I have chosen to trust God. If I encounter pain because of what He has led me to, then He will see me through. I don't want to experience pain, but I know that God's grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in our weakness. So here I am...laying down what little power I had...becoming weak so God can work however He chooses in my life and in my future marriage...trusting...

Shoulding and Suffering

In response to pastorwick’s previous post (6/22/09 at 2:29 pm)…

Perhaps the largest of all soap boxes I will now proceed to climb upon, is regarding use of the word ‘should’. Should is my least favorite word in the English language. It is not always used in a harmful way (i.e. we should be there soon), but most frequently it is used harmfully. It often is used to tell someone what he or she could have done better – “You should have saved your money if you wanted a purple gumball.” This is particularly harmful because it refers to some behavior (or lack of behavior) in the past that cannot be changed. It also inherently points out inadequacy in others, because if the individual were good enough/smart enough he or she would have thought of the behavior and its consequences previously and would not be in the current situation.

In the case of pastorwick’s post, ‘should’ implies some sense of duty or obligation. This is not all bad, of course. I am obligated to put gas in my car if I expect to drive it. I am obligated to pay taxes if I expect to remain a free woman. These obligations are not bad. Unfortunately, ‘should’ is often used in this manner to imply a condition. Let’s look at an example…

“You should study if you want to be smart.”

First, there are plenty of smart people that never study, read, or dialogue. Second, there are plenty of people who study, read, and dialogue like crazy but don’t make a bit of sense.

In addition, this use of should is very behavioral in nature. It ties a particular behavior to a consequence, either reward or punishment. The consequences for the example above are: 1. You are not smart if you don’t study and 2. You are smart if you do study. I have already pointed out the fallacy in that logic so I won’t go over it again for you.

These two uses of ‘should’ are often employed to bring about shame and guilt. Shame is a useless, negative emotion, and has no business in the house of God. In my opinion, it has no place in an emotionally healthy society or in any relationship that is striving for unconditional love. I don’t have time to go into all of that here, as that’s another blog for another day. True Guilt, on the other hand, can bring positive outcomes. I use the term True Guilt because people often feel guilty for behaviors that are not actual offenses to anyone or anything. True Guilt comes from an actual offense and acts as a deterrent from committing future offenses.

In addition, using ‘should’ in a behavioral sense takes Christianity down a path that leads to legalism. Jesus came to free us from living lives based on behavior. Yes, behavior is a way that we can glorify or demean God, but behavior in and of itself does not save or condemn us. We are saved or condemned only by grace through faith. God is very clear that we are not saved by works, but by His grace alone (Ephesians 2:8-9).

So, I detest the word ‘should’. In fact, my favorite saying of all time is “Quit should-ing all over yourself!”

In conclusion…

1. Suffering is NOT a requirement for Christians. Is it likely? Absolutely. We live in a fallen world and most people suffer in some form or fashion.

2. Suffering does not make you a Christian or make you a better Christian. Can suffering create good things for people? Absolutely. But more suffering does not equal more Christian.

To give or not to give...

I've really been struggling this week with how much giving is too much. I have a strong tendency towards co-dependency. There are several co-dependent behaviors that I have struggled with in the past, and continue to struggle with today. Giving to much is one of these behaviors.

I have always had the tendency to be the 'giver' in my relationships. For most of my life I have given to others at the expense of myself. I am not saying in any way that giving to others in a way that costs you something is wrong. In fact, I believe that God calls all Christians to do this. The problem arises when you give more than you have. It's easy to lose yourself. It's easy to burnout. And if you don't have a strong support system with people giving back to you then you cannot survive. God made us to give to each other, and relationships cannot thrive and grow without give and take from both parties. My tendency, however, has always been to give more than I have. When I was growing up I survived this because I had a LOT of people giving to me too. When I got married, I lost most of that support system and I was giving a lot more than I had ever given before. I came to the point of complete and utter exhaustion, and had almost lost myself entirely before I realized what was going on. It was a ridiculous struggle to stop what was going on in that relationship and I am still recovering from it.

Because of my experiences in my marriage, I am hyper-aware of this aspect in my relationships now. It's also a lot easier for me to notice a pattern before it becomes unhealthy. This week I have really struggled with this issue because I have started to notice some of these patterns in some of my new relationships and I don't know what to do. When do you give more than you have hoping it will be enough? When do you stop giving beyond the minimum because you don't see any return? When do you settle, realizing that this relationship won't be what you had hoped? When do you give more for the benefit of an innocent bystander who's not even part of the unhealthy relationship?

Seriously, I would like all of your thoughts, because this is something I am really struggling with...and I don't trust myself to answer these questions alone.

The tortoise goes shopping for a wedding dress...

As most of you know, I recently got engaged...woo hoo! My fiance, Larry, and I will be getting married next summer. And as any girl knows, the dress is the most important part of any wedding (besides the groom of course). So that's what I started working on first.

Shopping for wedding dresses can be a fun, overwhelming, exhausting, and frightening task. I began by searching online. I created a google doc and saved links to my favorite dresses. I then began to whittle that list down to my favorite favorites and grouped them so I could have the least amount of appointments with the highest number of my favorite dresses. (I assume you all already know I'm an uber-nerd)

So last Saturday morning was my first appointment. I made sure to bring Leah because I know what a challenging task wedding dress shopping can be. I walked into the dress store armed with my most positive of attitudes, and I did alright for a while. I fully expected the dresses to be small and difficult for me to fit into. I know samples only come in one size that I'm not the one size they usually come in. I was prepared for all of that. Even so, when I saw the sizes of the dresses that I couldn't fit into I nearly had a heart attack. The sizes weren't anywhere near my pant size. Had my pants stretched to fit me? Oh no! They had! I was bigger than I already thought! Ahhhhhh!

Heartbroken and disappointed, I struggled on. Dress after dress after dress. I could hardly tell what some of them looked like because they wouldn't fit over my boobs, or my hips, or whatever else it is I have. I went to this particular store to try on one dress. A dress I was in love with. The waist in that thing must have been the size of my thigh! So I asked the girl who was helping me, just what size chart are they using here? She informed me that when she bought her dress from the same designer it was 2 sizes larger than her normal size. Whew! What a relief! Not that I like that size either, but that's WAY better than the sizes I was trying on.

I made it through many many dresses and found the dress of my dreams. It wasn't anything like the one I went in to try on, but it made my eyes sparkle. And I ordered it in a horrendous size that I do not wish to share with anyone, but it will look nice I'm sure.

So the morals of the story are...
1. Take a positive person (and maybe a tissue) wedding dress shopping with you
2. Don't be afraid of big numbers if they look good
3. Keep trying even if it's not what you thought you were trying for

Becoming a Tortoise...

One week ago from today I was in the midst of 'Weight Crisis 2009'. I was fully entrenched in hard-core dieting and aerobic workouts. I was definitely bordering on obsessive and slightly unhealthy. Yes, I have some weight to lose. But I want to do it the right way and I don't want to hate my life while I'm doing it. So I've adopted the Tortoise mentality.

The Tortoise mentality isn't easy for me. It doesn't come naturally. If there's something to be done I want to get it done, off my plate, and move on to the next thing. But I know that won't work with healthy weight loss or with maintaining a healthy lifestyle. It's a lifelong process. And to be quite honest, I'm sick of lifelong processes. I'd really just like to finish something! But the older I get the more I realize that nothing is ever finished and I have to somehow be okay with that. I don't like it one bit! But I'm working on it...and working on it...and working on it...

Today is 1 week into 'Weight Crisis 2009'. And thanks to the support of my friends I'm no longer feeling as if it is a crisis, which is good. I also feel like I can, in fact, accomplish my goals and not hate my life in the process. I've lost 5.5 lbs in this first week and I haven't been starving or work-out crazy, which goes to show just how much junk I was actually eating. So far, so good. We'll see how week 2 goes...

Numbers...

So this week has been really been challenging for me in respect to numbers. Particularly numbers that involve something about my body.

It all started with a picture that I thought made me look pregnant. Let me be very clear, I AM NOT PREGNANT! And yet in this particular photo I looked preggo. Yes, I know I was wearing a dress with an empire waist and yes, I know my back was arched because Larry was pulling me close to him, but still, I DON'T CARE! I think I looked pregnant and it threw me into a funk.

So I decided to weigh myself. BIG mistake! I've always weighed more than I look like I weigh. I've always worn a bigger size than people would guess. I don't know if I'm internally made of lead or what, but that's just the way I am. So Monday of this week, I walked over the clinic where I work and weighed myself.

The downward spiral quickly followed. I felt horrible about myself. I felt unattractive. I decided to do 60 minutes of cardio a day and eat no sugar and very few carbs. I was in a mild state of depression for the rest of Monday, but at least I went to the gym and ate better than I usually do.

Tuesday morning came and I was in a much better state of mind. I was determined. I was positive that I could meet my goals and not hate my life while I was getting into shape. I took a walk when I woke up, had a great breakfast, had a great mid-morning snack, and I was in great spirits. And then my dear friend Leah asked me to with her to the cafeteria so she could get some lunch. Suddenly I was in a foul mood. My frozen chicken enchilada suddenly seemed like mush. Leah asked if I was okay and said that I didn't seem to be very happy. I had been happy all morning. How could one walk through the cafeteria (which, by the way, doesn't have very appetizing food anyway) change my mood so severely?

I ate my frozen enchilada (after microwaving it of course) and have eaten well throughout this week. But I'm still disturbed by how my weight and my pant size can cause such reactions in me. It's not that I'm fat. And most of you wouldn't call me unattractive if you saw me in person. In fact, a lot of you would probably find me attractive. And it's not even that I'm unhealthy. I feel good and all of my checkups and blood work have been good. Still, for some reason, the numbers loom in my mind. I don't want to weigh as much as I do. I don't want to wear such a large size of pants. Yes, I know I have some extra weight on and I couldn't be a supermodel. But let's be serious, most of us will never look like our ideal. And I'm really okay with that. I just want to not dislike myself so much when I get on the scale or pull up my pants.